Always have and always will

Save me.

2011-05-11T04:50:00.001+08:00

I started cutting myself today after having stopped for 6 months. FML

The Avoidable Truth

2011-04-23T07:22:00.002+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSdELZxEnHY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

This clip has gone viral within days of being uploaded. As much as I hate to admit it, it will be mostly true. THe fine print they did forget to post on it is that sometimes, just sometimes, with a stroke of luck, strike of lightning and some magical fairy dust an exception happens. This video does not wholly represent us and we really need not relate to it. Everyone one of us ins different. It is a pessimistic representation of reality becaua I know that the exception does happen. There need not always be a downhill. It is your perception. Please please do not relate your lives to this because you know the next rom-com flick that premiers, you again will think it is the story of your life. So seriously people, get your heads out of your ass.

The Concise Truth

2011-03-14T10:28:00.002+08:00

To be honest, I am exhausted and torn into two. This continual struggle for an individual identity. I am Malaysian first and everything after is insignificant, regardless of race and religion.

FML

2010-11-11T08:09:00.001+08:00

How did I end up being stuck here. In this mess. Oh right I fucked up my A-Levels. FML. If only...

Letters

2010-08-22T01:16:00.002+08:00

Dear Mum,

It has been awhile since I last wrote you a letter. Maybe this time, this letter is written with a lot more regret. I've needed to tell you something, but I'm sorry I couldn't do it in person. I fear to see the disappointment in your eyes. I'm writing to apologize for my results. I know I have disappointed you and I know it's hurting you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't excel when I had to. I'm sorry. 3 days later and I still fear looking into your eyes because I fear seeing the hurt and disappointment you've concealed on your face. But your eyes cannot deny how disappointed you are in me. One year ago I dreamed of entering Uni one step closer to graduating with first class honors, going to MIT on my third year, working as a research engineering with a F1 team. Who knew it would only be a dream. In 24 hours, I've seen my career crash and your heart crash. I'm sorry I now can't live this dream. I'm sorry for disappointing you. I'm sorry. I am feeling a rush of emotions but predominantly it is disappointment. I don't need another lecture because it isn't going to change anything right now. Right now, all I need is your love to help me through.

Love always,
Your daughter.

Te Amo

2010-06-06T08:34:00.003+08:00

You still set those butterflies a flying in my stomach. I wish it was the same for you. You set my heart a skipping. I wish it was the same for you.

I wish I could be more so you'd love me more because sometimes I feel insignificant. Sometimes I feel unloved.

Time

2010-05-19T07:15:00.002+08:00

It has been awhile since I've last shared the unfortunate tales of the depressed. I guess it's time i started a new chapter, a brighter one. Well as bright as Shrewsbury skies would get. Which I should add, has been pretty bright these past few days. Let me correct that. It's been BURNING these past few days.

Anyway, I'm STILL alive. Blogging is so... 1950's now. I've moved to Twitter. The place where humans tweet and birds do all the work.

CLICK ME

P/S: I love the way you kiss my head every morning when you see me.

Valentine by Kina Grannis

2010-03-28T20:11:00.000+08:00

When You Find Me

2010-03-19T23:41:00.001+08:00

"I wonder what you look like, under your t-shirt. I wonder what you sound like, when you’re not wearing words. I wonder what we have, when we’re not pretending."

by Ani Difranco

Prayers

2010-02-25T08:36:00.002+08:00

Dear God,
I pray you give me the patience that you have given my parents. It's the least I could do for their time and love. x

My secret

2010-02-16T07:44:00.005+08:00

50 people, 1 question. What is my secret?

I have a problem, and perhaps you've noticed. My arms are my canvas and my blood is my paint. My secret; I cut myself.

I found the courage, 5 years late.

It's been awhile

2010-02-14T08:56:00.003+08:00

I shall attempt to make this blog less barren and more entertaining.

Attempt number 1:
I have a crush on you. I'm scared.

I know that got your attention. But, it is true.

Mum

2010-01-25T06:26:00.002+08:00

The notes I write, are nothing short of the truth. But what the truth fails to reveal is how much I love her. She is extraordinary in more ways than none. She is exemplary. She is my mother and I'm proud of it.

To set the records straight, I still love her despite the jokes.

It's not easy

2010-01-10T18:32:00.003+08:00

Sometimes it isn't easy. I'm not indifferent because I am different. But sometimes, I feel a little left out and it isn't easy. It isn't easy to pretend it doesn't hurt because, I feel it. I'm not like you, you're not like me. But at least I'm trying.

I'm sorry I never learnt.

Need for time

2010-01-04T18:53:00.002+08:00

FML

2010-01-03T03:16:00.002+08:00

Fuck the past, live the present, forget the future.

When you can live forever, what do you live for?

Yesteryear

2010-01-02T12:09:00.002+08:00

The year that was, was nothing more than fictional. The year to come, come what may a new beginning.

A new year, A new beginning.

Big Brotherly Love

2010-01-02T02:03:00.000+08:00

Note to self:
you do deserve someone better, someone who will keep your heart with him through anything, someone who will respect you, care or you, love you.. if this guy falls short of any of that, then i say, he's not the one.. you are too good to be with someone like that dear.. you really DESERVE better..

Thank you big brother!

Tiny Crush

2009-12-31T05:22:00.001+08:00

I have this tiny crush on you. Perhaps it has been induced. But either way, you've got my heart skipping. I'm so in lust with you. =)

Ante Up

2009-12-28T01:47:00.002+08:00

Dear Mum,

I am going to University to do Aeronautical Engineering. It doesn't matter if you support me or not, because I am still going to do it. You can't tell me otherwise, and for certain, you can't get your friends to tell me otherwise. I need to step out of the stereotype. I'm NOT a medic, even though I know so much more than a handful of people. In that sense, I'm thankful, because you've made me an all rounder, but you still have to understand, I WILL be an Engineer. I'd like it if you started supporting me. You don't know how many days I spend crying. The scars that you've left. Every phone call home leaves me crying not because I miss it, but because I can't get your approval. You don't know how much it hurts to be ostracized.

At christmas, you tried to get people to talk me out of Engineering. Aero isn't a joke to me. It's not a joke you tell at dinner parties. It isn't some job that is easy. It isn't something you could pick up just like that. You can still love me despite the fact that I'm not a medic.

x

On the tip of my tongue

2009-12-27T17:51:00.002+08:00

It isn't quite The New Year yet, but it's never too early to start on the resolutions, no? I didn't quite have a proper '09 resolution list to say that I've accomplished a lot this year, but I'd like to think that I DID accomplish a lot. More than expected really.

So as of the year 2010, My Resolutions go something like this:

I WILL get A* x3 for my A-levels and prove I AM Imperial worthy so the world would SHUT IT.

I WILL walk out of the whole I'm-different-because-I'm-not-a-doctor shadow by making it as an Engineer.

I SHALL consider sticking to amount-of-alcohol-consumed-per-night quota. In light of recent events. [shan't elaborate]

I WILL be flying/building them planes and you can't tell me otherwise.

I WILL try to get my flying license AND diving license done. The former being the more important one.

I WILL be on a crazy-fun-wild-berserk-holiday around Asia with the greatest bunch of people. This includes Jerlynn AND Beverly. Don't ditch me.

I WILL get a few more medals, regardless of the sport.

I WANT to create a name for myself and I'd be fucking famous outside of the sports world. Either for some charity work or something like that. Perhaps mastermind of destruction doesn't sound too bad.

I WANT my mum to see the sort of pain she caused when she, up to this day, still can not accept what I've chosen to do. Will rant on that later.

I NEED new accessories, and I do not mean the shiny BLING-y stuff; boys/toys/flings/one-night-stands [I JOKE]

AND, I know this would help the hearts of many sleep easier at night;

I WILL limit myself when I go shopping online. Limit to be decided

I bet by the end of the year, if I live that long, I would probably get half the list done and say 'Screw it, life's too short to think about resolutions and plan THAT far ahead'.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, LADIES.

It ends

2009-12-22T23:34:00.003+08:00

I keep telling myself you're not worth it. I deserve to feel beautiful because I am. I deserve so much more than you're willing to give. And most of all I deserve to be spared. Spared from all your mental games.

My new years resolution is to forget because there are others who are willing to give you what you deserve.

It's a blessing and a curse, my heart is too big.

I'll be flying them planes

2009-12-22T11:28:00.002+08:00

My planes and I will be seeing you on the other side. Not an easy offer, but I'm pretty sure as long as I want it, I'd be FIGHTING for it. From now on, it's just ME and MY PLANES, baby.

3 down, 1 interview to go, 1 more to hear from.

And one blind date to attend to.

Untitled

2009-12-21T02:22:00.000+08:00

I miss you. can't believe i'm saying this, but it's true.

2009

2009-12-18T22:18:00.002+08:00

Because I refuse to start on the IELTS practice papers which I should get down to doing I shall write about my year. I'll try to keep it short. Key word: TRY. Well 2009 has been a year of all sorts. Heart breaks, head aches, rolls-on-floor-laughter, and many great memories. It's scary how so much can happen in just a year, and how fast a year goes by. In about 7 months, most of us would be going separate ways chasing different lives, goals and the occasional rich-housewife-hot-gardener dream. But for the year that has gone, it has been a great ride. Nothing short of drama and scandals, but it's been a year of great friendship, great moments, great achievements. It's been a year of growing up and catching up.

I shall write events in the coming days

J'ADORE

2009-12-15T14:17:00.001+08:00

I fell in LOVE with a bag so gorgeous! Any donations?

Struggles

2009-12-15T11:06:00.002+08:00

Hey mum, I got another interview. But I've stopped sharing with you my success because to you it means nothing. You make my achievements seem insignificant. You trust everyone but your own daughter. You think sending me to tuition would give you more confidence in me, but you don't think enough of me to believe in me. I'm tired of having to struggle against you to get a little credit. I worked myself from D's and C's and surpassed even my predicted grades to get you an A. I scored relatively well and yet it doesn't seem like it is enough to you.

I wish you'd see how upsetting it is to talk to you when every conversation revolves around my grades and after every conversation I just feel like screaming. You do not notice how much effort I put in, yet you are one to comment on how it isn't enough. I'm trying my best.

I'm 18, this part right here is what decides my future. If it's anything, I want this for myself more than anything and I'm pretty sure I'm not about to screw it up. So I appreciate your concern, but you can show your love beyond the grades and maybe just support me. More than anything, that's what I need right now. So please, just let me be.

Your daughter,
Lara

Searching

2009-12-12T21:26:00.003+08:00

You fail to notice what lays beneath your nose. You search too far, too high, only to find failure. You know you didn't fail with me but now I'm just a thing of the past. You fail for your weakness to run. For once, stay put and put up a fight, like how I am, for you. I think you're worth it when everyone denies you. I know you're better than that.

Turn Back Around by Lucy Schwartz

2009-12-12T13:43:00.002+08:00

Show me the world in the shape of your looking glass.
Beautifully bold when the colors unfold.
Yes it's easy to see but its harder to find.
And I'm thinking of you and it's clear in my mind.

So I turn, turn, turn, I turn back around.
I Turn, turn, turn, I turn back around,
And I'm eastern bound.

Almost let slip all these words at my finger tips.
Still unaware of the pen in my hand,
But I'm makin my way day by day comin back to you.
Here unafraid of the path that I choose.

Short of perfection

2009-12-12T06:38:00.003+08:00

I hate this part. The time difference clocks in. The separation takes effect. The distance breaks us apart. Celebrating Christmas isn't the same without the people who I've spent the year with. From birthdays, Halloween, Valentines, dates, studying and every other significant thing we've done, we've been together and suddenly it feels different without you this Christmas.

I hate this part. The joys of an offer have no effect and is short of significance. All that worries my parents are the grades. Nothing celebratory, unless you consider a call to the tuition teacher a celebration. No one really understands the joy of an offer until you go through the whole UCAS scenario. You don't really understand how competitive it is.

I thought I'd get a break, spend it with the people I love. Who knew they'd love me more because of my grades than for who I am. It breaks my spirits when you don't understand the weight of this offer and what it means to even be given an offer. You know little of where and what I want to do with my future. If only you opened your heart earlier to my hopes, perhaps I wouldn't be writing this now.

It still feels like I have the reins tied onto me. I'm 18, it's time you set me free.

Glory

2009-12-11T23:56:00.001+08:00

I conclude that I brag, ALOT. But you can't blame me. Only the most famous (note: famous does not mean it is the best) Uni has offered me a place. But I might have my sights on something a little better. We shall celebrate.

Missing you

2009-12-08T08:46:00.002+08:00

The hardest part of going home is saying I don't miss you, when I do.

Home

2009-12-07T06:43:00.003+08:00

Perhaps I'm not ready to leave. Perhaps I'm not ready to face reality. Coming home for summer was my one mistake, and my worries lie in a mistake that is to be repeated. The only difference was then, I had so much going for me, now I just want to make it right again. Like how it used to be before spring ended. Perhaps going back would give me a fresh start. A chance to break from the solitary walls. A chance to free myself of the burdens I carry. You tell me, should I want to go back?

P/s: It's breaking me apart to watch you fall for someone who isn't me.

Doofus like

2009-11-30T08:13:00.002+08:00

I fell for a doofus and it's hurting me even more. SHOOT ME!

When We Say by AJ Rafael

2009-11-28T02:26:00.000+08:00

somethin bout the way
somethin bout the way you look
in my eyes
you make everything so damn easy
so easy that i dont got to worry bout a thing

and baby when we touch
all i can see is the image of us
sitting by the ocean
just before the dusk
sippin on a juice box and
sand between our toes

this is the part when we say were in love
and the part where we have our first kiss
but this ain't a movie
i know you cant come with me
you got your life
he better be treatin you right

just tell me you dont love me
tell me you dont feel the same way that i do
tell me i dont make you smile
like i do when you walk in the room
you're so hard to let go

this hurts so much to know that you're
with someone else when you should be w me
its just hard to accept that i cant be around
he better be treatin you good
i'm no einstein but i know a sign
when i see one
and i know you love me too

Dreamer

2009-11-26T05:58:00.002+08:00

The best things happen in dreams. Awakened by reality, I wish I need not awake. Good dreams, false hopes. I wish it didn't have to end.

A rainbow represents our life and everything we believe in, the sun after the rain, the joy at the end of the rainbow and things in perspective.

Sorry

2009-11-21T06:45:00.002+08:00

I am a child. I am immature. I am selfish. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed.

But what I mostly am sorry for, is for being a bad friend.

Honestly

2009-11-15T22:18:00.002+08:00

I am more BEAUTIFUL than you would ever let me be.

Muffled Thoughts

2009-11-15T03:23:00.002+08:00

I can't keep up. It's about time you stopped and turned around.

You fell for her eyes, I fell for your heart.

She's too young for you, and I'm jealous.

People can stop dropping dead now.

I hate chick-lit with fairytale endings; false hopes.

My favourite song for now -

fast forward to 1.40

I have the greatest bunch of friends and I'm blessed.

I feel lost without my boys, and my flowers.

I miss home.

I'm not a psycho maniac, though the school says otherwise.

I like it when you make me feel pretty about myself.

I'm really just weak sometimes.

I succumb to the slightest of things.

I'm just waiting for someone to tell me to stop because it'll be alright.

I hate having good dreams because they never come true.

I wish I could laugh again.

I like cooking.

I want to do Aero Engineering, and no one is going to stop me.

How do you move on so fast?

I miss your touch, your lips and your hands.

How could I ever lose you.

Jack of all trades, master of none.

I wish I was more confident of myself: looks, brains and heart.

I'm waiting for someone to tell me otherwise.

I like it when i can fight with you and for you and actually win.

I'm so fucked sometimes.

Courage

2009-11-13T07:44:00.002+08:00

I wish I had the courage to stop.
The courage to fall.
The courage to stand tall.
The courage to speak the truth.
The courage to be myself.
And the courage to love me for who I am.

But there are days where courage is short,
And i'm falling 6 feet underground.
And all that surrounds me,
Is the echoing sounds of misery.
I feel hurt, lost, and confused.

Falling Slowly

2009-11-11T19:50:00.001+08:00

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

2 things

2009-11-09T06:33:00.002+08:00

2 things I could never forgive; Cheating & Hurt.

The only two things you're capable of.

Dumb&dumber

2009-11-06T06:05:00.001+08:00

L: I feel so lost sometimes.
S: I'll buy you a compass for Christmas
L: =.=

<3 Retards

BFF

2009-10-28T06:39:00.002+08:00

Dumb&Dumber you TWO scheming retards! I still love you. Better be worth it. x

Broken paths

2009-10-26T05:49:00.002+08:00

The echoing winds serenade as the tainted skies stain. Night washes over as the dwelling sun retreats. Picturesque skies streaked by the glowing moon accentuated by the lost stars.

And all that stood were two souls.

The rippled shirt tightened around his developed arms. His silhouette traced along his marbled chest. With his arm around her waist, they stood synchronously silent. The chorus of beating hearts. The overlapping of breaths. The silent hum of his voice.

Stranger than fiction.

UPOUT-Dated

2009-10-24T05:02:00.002+08:00

Dear readers, I know i have been neglecting my duties as informant, but this blog is not the only way I stay connected. Needless to say, I am LARA and I need no introduction to the world of gossips and dilemmas. If i was born a few years earlier, i would have invented them. But then again, I can't chose the year i was born in nor could i choose my family. Glad to say, they chose me. Well, there wasn't much of a choice. Who knew they struck lucky when they had me. Okay, perhaps that was my big head talking. Then again, dad says my head isn't proportional to my shapely body. Round IS a shape after all isn't it? He claims my head to empty, thus too small, to suit my body. Besides the point.

Anyway, my blog has been pretty barren for a while. I can actually see the dust balls rolling of the is-it-updated-yet blog; my blog. So i guess you might have realized i didn't type this post from my grave, so i'm pretty much alive and breathing. No need to panic. Had bouts of retail therapy just to soothe the chaotic mind. And while my mind was on its chaotic mode, the shopping got a little chaotic too. But it's me, and i have great clothes and it's all to the glory of online access. Two thumbs up for the shops, and two thumbs up for the shopper. All in all, a very i'm-going-to-look-slutty-with-my-killer-heels productive week.

Life in school is pretty much the same. Scandals in this corner, babies-being-made in that corner. Typical teenager-meets-horny-side moments, a classic in concord. And i need not justify myself, but I have been that good girl with the nerdy glasses. Who would have expected that. Not involving myself in scandals yet. Not voluntary anyway. Besides, I've learnt, never kiss and tell. (That was a figure of speech/metaphor. Isn't my teacher making you proud?)

That's pretty much it. Oh yes, I've got myself messing around with the wrong bunch. The killer maths bunch. Literally. Too many numbers, too few reasons. But if i do do well, i'll be beaming with pride. I'm actually quite proud of my Maths modules now, really. Makes me feel... what's above genius? Oh right, makes me feel, ME. How did you NOT see that coming. Anyway, for random proud-of-myself-moments, i shall list out my maths modules.

Core Maths 1, 2 ,3, 4
Further Pure 1, 2, 3
Mechanics 1, 2, 3,
Stats 1, 2.

Doesn't that just shock you. Coming from the girl who flunked form 4 additional maths. HAH In your faces.

P/s: Lara's random silent thought. One answer, Three words, Eight letters, and I'm yours. I won't wait forever.

Officially Missing You by Tamia

2009-10-21T23:38:00.002+08:00

Well, I thought I could just get over you, baby
But I see there's something I just can't do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can't find a way to let go of you

Excerpts

2009-10-16T02:13:00.002+08:00

Through those doors came familiarity. And my heart skipped a beat. I miss you, I do.

ONE

2009-10-02T00:09:00.002+08:00

There's only one answer for the many problems.
There's only one way to deal with the pain.
There's only one solution.

Okay

2009-09-30T20:44:00.000+08:00

When you stopped caring, i stopped writing.

Trust about secrets

2009-09-29T05:10:00.002+08:00

There are two types of secrets; The ones we keep from others, and the ones we keep from ourselves.

Simplicity

2009-09-26T15:03:00.001+08:00

And her arms became her canvas.

a flaw in that chaos

2009-09-25T02:25:00.002+08:00

Is it me, or is it just pure imagination that being medic has more perks and brings in more cash? The advertising, the promoting, the propaganda, are they just short of smart people, or are they just trying to lure you to the dark side with all the benefits that you'd only attain after 7 years of blood and sweat. Quite literally and in that order too. But what is this great hype about medic? The pocket-sagging pay or the tittle? The prospects of you being a medic seems to have self-granted itself a rather alluring tittle. And the relatives beaming at their over-achieving kids. But what about non-medics? Are they short on talent? Are they less brilliant? You tell me. It seems the world just tends to focus on the world of medicine. Sure the pay is ridiculously benefitial, but what about being a teacher. You can still emboss the DR initials on your letterheads, note pads, business cards, but why is it less reputable? Concord has this great emphasis on medics, but alot less on engineering (my course) let alone on humanities. Is it that much easier to get accepted than if you did meds, or is it because engineering does not seem as prominent as being a medic? Perhaps it is in occurance to the large number or medic wanna-be that if granted first choice uni's will help boost our status? Yes, it probably is because we might have gotten 97% of our medic applicants into uni, but the rest of the school have had it harder. Being neglected and often looked down on. So yes, I don't think the school is being fair. Being vastly talented, it sure is a waste to only have medics prepared for their oh-so-big day and everyone else is just insignificant. To be honest, you don't have to be all brains to be a medic. I don't look up to them, nor look down. As far as careers go, we're at par. A job is just a job. It stems from passion and grows into a life. It doesn't become a job or a task, it's a hobby. And that defines our careers. Just because you know biology doesn't mean I don't know about it. Non-medics often excluded from many many interesting debates, discussions and events. So what puts them on the superior list to non-medics? I will proudly say, i didn't jump on the bandwagon and bought myself a white coat and labelled my books, DR.Lara. Not in the medical sense anyway. It's not fair to me, that people look down on engineering. More so when you're a girl. Do not be gender biased. It doesn't involve testosterone to get the job right.

To my family, I hope you read this and understand what it's like for me to stand below your shadows. When you come from a family of medics, you've seen it all before. But it isn't where when you exclude me. I have the right to be heard, i have the rights to an opinion. Despite the job, it is we who define what we'd become.

All this superirority given to medics, there are things greater than that. To you who thinks I'm just for usage, fuck off. There are other people around you than yourself. Think of others before you think about yourself. I'm not someone you can just use. I am human and I have feelings. Surprised? Yeah. Try hurting and you'd understand why I am a bitch.

This part right here.

2009-09-22T04:35:00.001+08:00

I can't find the voice to express the burgeoning hurt my weak heart carries. The dismantled pieces strewn across troubled water. The sound of laughter hollows in my chest. My character pretentious to false care.

I just want to see you again.

Hurt

2009-09-20T15:16:00.004+08:00

Maybe if i was a medic, my world wouldn't be falling apart.
Maybe if i was a medic, you'd love me more.
Maybe if i was a medic, I wouldn't feel so hurt.

Being back is depressing and i look for you to cheer me up.

Hold me down

2009-09-19T14:43:00.002+08:00

Will my family just stop trying to hold me down. I want to reach for something further, but this leash around my ankle holds me down. Just stop. Please let me go.

P/s: Sometimes I'd wish you would understand that this isn't just a dream, it's a need.

Just stop

2009-09-19T02:03:00.004+08:00

I won't keep fighting about someone so insignificant. You have to trust me. I won't break your trust like how you did with mine. But what's over is over and it's done.

x

Because they mean the world

2009-09-18T01:05:00.001+08:00

Thanks love.

Truth be told

2009-09-17T05:05:00.002+08:00

Some people just have it all, others have to work for it.

Random facts

2009-09-17T02:17:00.002+08:00

I absofuckinglutely miss home.
I miss my boys, even after not sending me off, ever.
I sometimes just really am fucked up.
I am not a medic and the second grandchild to not be one.
I usually try to put on a brave front, but really i'm just a coward.
I am not as outspoken as it seems.
I just want to run away so badly.
I have a problem that i can't stop.
I am glad to have you.
I wish you weren't such a dick sometimes.
I can't help but date seniors.
I want an awesome 18th.
I don't have to pretend to be nice, i am.
I am a bitch because I'm just being honest.
I really really really need you.

Me loves

2009-09-13T12:30:00.002+08:00

Cause i <3 her!

My proposal

2009-09-12T22:23:00.003+08:00

Mr Hot Lips,
I feel like sucking the life out of your hot lips. Please marry me! You're so hot, even the sun can't compare. Even when you sweat, beads of flame roll down your oh-so-cute face with those even hotter lips. I'm dying inside! So please, just marry me!

Love always,
Little-miss-long-flexible-legs-who-can't-jump [inside joke]

Everyday

2009-09-12T04:09:00.002+08:00

Everyday it feels like i'm losing you. Little by little. And losing you, is like losing that constant. Without it, i'm broken.

I'm not ready to face the world. Please don't leave me.

Dear you,
I told you to read this, because you should know how much you mean to me. You made summer wonderful. Through the toughest, you held my hands and helped me through. You showed how much fun simple things can offer. You're always around to cheer me up and you'd always take that minute to talk to me. I look into you for that confidence, because you're that person that shows us how to live and how to smile. I don't know how to thank you enough. Words seem so hollow next to all that you've done. I wish I could bring you back, so I'd have you and so that we could get through life together. I'll miss you so much!
Love always.

Gently Spoken

2009-09-09T02:27:00.004+08:00

I count the minutes on the clock,
I count the days as they rolled by..
not here to listen when I talk
not here to hold me when I cry..
and as the weeks passed on
and you're still gone
I will wish that you were here..
and now I close my eyes
ask myself why?
why did you disapear?

summer seasons come and gone
now the leaves fall from the trees
and like the branches my hearts barren,
your voice echoes in the breeze.
so winter's yet to come
my hopes are numb
and as winter nears
only to feed my fears
it feels colder than before..

where are you now?
where have you gone?
are you ever coming back
is this your way of moving on?
look into my eyes
you will find what you're searching for
you will raise again in me she said
of the fire that burns forever more

Without You by Howie Day ft. John Mayer

The echoes of a familiar tune fills the empty. These 4 walls hold all boundaries. What am I to do without you, but to await a return.

What am I to do without you. Who am I to talk to late at night. When am I to see you next. How am I to carry on. It's hard without you now, harder without you later.

You still remain my best kept secret

Dedications

2009-09-08T20:06:00.002+08:00

Because the boy wanted a post about him. So here,YEOH EE JON your post so you wouldn't feel so jealous.

So we went out for dinner with Daryl too because i felt abandoned and forced people to go out before i left with a tantrum! =) We watched Final Destination 4 which was bloody-filled gruesome. And that's the night in a nutshell. So, Jon there's your post! Happy?

Gosh, this felt like me writing some... It feels weird writing about people. I don't do gossip blogs. It's not like their famous or something.

Christmas List

2009-09-08T11:13:00.002+08:00

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a new Fatpipe. Well, it's either that, or a just-add-water maid that I can bring back to UK.

Love-with-milk-and-cookies,
LARA

Hurts the most

2009-09-05T01:20:00.000+08:00

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

Effortless

2009-09-04T00:22:00.003+08:00

The effort I'm making, isn't exactly working. I've got less than 2 weeks, and all i want is a reason to miss home. Something to remember summer by. Honestly, fuck it. If no one is going to entertain my efforts, i give up trying. You should be ashamed of yourselves really. Which part of being an outcast is comforting. I'm an outcast from my family, i'm now an outcast of my friends. At least I'm trying here.

Girls, ATTACK!

2009-09-03T23:24:00.001+08:00

Max's point of view on my friends. Great. =)

Because i was bored

2009-09-03T02:55:00.001+08:00

1. How old are you?
As old as my mind wants me to be, which is about 97.

2. Are you single?
I hope i haven't expanded to a double.

3. At what age do you think you'll get married?
Tomorrow morning. That would make me... (I lost count)

4. Do you think you'll marrying the person you are with now?
Right as-we-speak-on-my-bed now? Nah

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
I have a choice?! I'd marry... oh shucks i can't decide between Fabregas or...

6. Who will be your bridesmaid & bestman?
Screw bridesmaid when you already have a maid! But i guess, i'll pick... I can't decide either. I'm not very decisive am i!

7. Do you want a garden/beach or traditional wedding?
Beach!

8. Where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
Elope to the amazon rainforest to have many monkey-look-a-like babies.

9. How many guests do you think you'll invite?
As many possible. Even if it don't fit on the beach, we'll stretch all the way into the sea!

10. Will that include your exes?
Why not? It won't be scandalous otherwise!

11. How many layers of cake do you want?
Let's not get greedy, maybe 7?

12. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?
Sunset. So that the photos would look picture perfect and i wouldn't have to get up too early

13. Name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding..
One of those horror tunes!

14. Do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon&fork?knife?
Do you not use fork and spoons and knives for fine dining too? Or would they actually spoon feed you?

15. Champagne or red wine?
Champagne

16. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
Maybe 2 days after. One day to cure the hangover, another day to remove the makeup.

17. Money or household items as gifts?
How about cars?

18. How many kids would you like to have?
Adoption sounds good.

19. Will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
Perhaps, if it's something wild caught on tape!

20. Whose wedding plan would you like to know next?
No fucking one.

iSurrender

2009-09-02T12:49:00.000+08:00

I'm too tired of fighting.
I'm too tired of crying.
I'm too tired of hurting.

I can't do it another night. I'm too tired.

Help

2009-08-28T10:59:00.002+08:00

She holds vault to many different lies. But her story lies in no one but herself. She's fragile to the touch and she fears being shattered. For now she'll stay away and await help in shining armour.

Travelling we will go.

2009-08-25T00:26:00.003+08:00

Thanks for keeping me in your prayers, i didn't get kidnapped by pirates, nor did i get eaten by a shark. Thought the shark-eating-me sounds like a win win situation really. The sharks wins by feasting on tender meat, and i win by, well, i finally get that damsel-in-distress dramatic ending. But that didn't happen, so well, i'm still bored, so i will still irritate the life out of you. Yay you.

I'm back into the heavy depths of civilisation. Concrete walls, smoke-filled airs, pretty much smells likes KL. I shall not elaborate much on it, but Sipadan/Kapalai was sun-burnt-awesome! Pretty fishes, the few jelly fishes and TURTLES. I saw actual the-size-of-a-moris-minor turtle! But i loved it there. No in-room TV but just lots of sea, not-so-much sand, and lots of fishes. Swarms of schools of fishes.

I couldn't hold it

2009-08-20T23:58:00.002+08:00

Well, perhaps news has gotten around, but never mind you, this is my blog and i'll boast until the moon turns into cheese, but you would have never guessed it, but i'm a brooding genius. I must have caught some genius strain while i was rolling on the grass with some sheep, because i'm proud to say book diffusion actually works. Sleeping on books help the lazy fingered to study. Mission proved by ME. Well i'll just skip to the chase, i'm a Double-Almost-Triple-Aced Genius. That's right, yours truly is on the high road to building terrorist planes and flying cars. The anxiety-cum-tension-cum-frustration bottled up since early june has finally be released. My results are out and despite my mother hovering I clicked OPEN and read my fate. I was thinking if i didn't like it, perhaps i could just click refresh till i got the grades i wanted. But then again, after tiresome trials of refreshing the page before my finger got numb, the result remained unchanged. So much for my theory. The anxiety rolled me over and my hands were trembling. I couldn't tell if it was with fear or with excitement. I read through the slip and saw a whole load of a's and b's and i freaked. I didn't know how to read my slip. And the anxiety began. AGAIN. I was in a frantic rush/worry. In between getting Facebook updates of successful Cambridge applicants and first choice submissions, i was slowly losing hair. And poof, my connection got cut. I suspect it was the heavy load of the results it was carrying that cut the lines. And when it was back my gmail read Gmail-Inbox(2)-... and my heart paced against my bra and it was about to break loose and while my mouse hovered over the mail, i tried to pretend i was collected. I had to, the eyes of the world were on me as i sat in the lounge waiting my make-or-break mail. And i DID IT! I clicked and....

[cues suspenseful music]

I DID IT baby! I'll be flying you planes and building em fast cars. I got AAB. And the B was for chem. I freaking aced my physics baby! All the panic of paper-was-too-hard-why-are-you-smiling and it was all for nothing. I aced it BABY! =D Be proud. My mum lacks my enthusiasm for some unknown reason, but i think i did superb. Considering my Chem i got 79.3 i just needed that 0.7 to give me that A. But i ACED it. Well to my standards anyway. I'm not aiming for a Mensa status-quo but i would like to think i did worthy of my 6 months of intense studying. Be proud, it wasn't easy considering i flunked easter's and that was considered my trials. Hmmm, i'm proud of myself.

Humour me and just let me gloat for a while longer.

And all that wait

2009-08-20T15:03:00.000+08:00

Well, lets just say, i wasn't expecting what i got. It's your choice to imagine which way it went.

Like how it used to be

2009-08-15T23:25:00.002+08:00

I thought i saw a little more fun in home, a little more familiarity in friends, a little more life in me. I thought summer would be more fun. How do you not call it heartbreak when the people who mean something to you are those who are often missing in presence. And they said nothing would be different. Really? I thought there was more to home, perhaps i was wrong. Which part doesn't leave you hurt? The part that you spend more days in bed than you see your friends, or the part that your friends would rather not see you? And you wonder why i ran away.

Vixens 08

2009-08-15T13:08:00.000+08:00

Memories

2009-08-14T13:49:00.003+08:00

The song echoes against the empty. The scribbled fonts faded, the photos tattered, and the pages torn. Time conceding, words ran hollow and tunes fade to silence. The memories etched and the smiles shared. Was this nothing but imaginary? Was this nothing more than hurt disguised?

Truths

2009-08-12T22:52:00.003+08:00

words courtesy of Cherylyn Theseira on Facebook notes

Derived from strength the courage to persist. I've lost that strength, and i search no more. I can't keep hanging on while my courage dangles alongside the hurt. The inexplicable infatuation of hurt, i can't keep fighting anymore.

I'm losing this battle and i surrender my self.

All it takes is time

2009-08-10T01:49:00.002+08:00

Lara's Postsecret confession.

p/s. This wasn't actually from me.

Always On Your Side; Sheryl Crow

2009-08-04T15:39:00.001+08:00

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

The present

2009-08-04T05:37:00.004+08:00

I've walked that lie before. I've heard it all before. You said you wouldn't, but that didn't stop you. If only it could hurt less. But I've trusted you before and you tore it away, and all i'm left is with pieces to mend. My tattered trust can't be cradled no more, and it lies vulnerable. If you were me, you'd understand what it meant to stay away, before you fall prey and i lose you too. Maybe i should just give up, and hang the hurt by it's edges. Before we walk that lie again, perhaps it's best i walked alone, that way it'll hurt less when i lose you.

photo credits to © woolloomooloo

Drool-worthy

2009-08-03T17:32:00.004+08:00

Current fixations, in no particular order.

Milo Ventimiglia

Chris Pine

Tom Brady

Ryan Lochte

Hugh Jackman

Gaspard Ulliel [my lipsmackingly tasty fav]

Dexter Morgan

Cam Gigandet

Bradley Cooper [he looks so good in Hangover]

Andrei Arshavin [cause he looked so good in the papers]

Obsession

2009-07-30T19:24:00.001+08:00

The pretty shoes only come when i'm not around. It's fated that i don't buy shoes.

Entertainer pt 2

2009-07-30T00:09:00.002+08:00

I'm bored, sue me.

Entertainer

2009-07-28T01:22:00.003+08:00

He makes me laugh at the oddest hours! And that's him in the midst of a comical performance! =D

Kissing Test

2009-07-27T20:20:00.001+08:00

The things my father finds on the web

Random

2009-07-27T14:21:00.002+08:00

So very Chanel! <3 So i still have a brewing shoe fetish. Bite me, it's kinky.

Phuket

2009-07-25T00:09:00.002+08:00

I know all you wanna-be British dweebs think Phuket is pronounced as FUKIT, but it isn't. To your horror, the 'Ph-' isn't the same as the 'Ph-' used in Physics. So, save the swearing, because this isn't an excuse to swear.

Well, I don't know how attentively you've been listening, not very i guess, since not many people know where i am. I didn't mysteriously vanished, hate to ruin your moment there, so keep wishing harder. Any who, if you haven't guessed it because i failed to put a huge lighted signboard on my title, i'm in Phuket. And despite all the pretty propaganda they sell and that we actually bought, it isn't all that picturesque. Sure the beaches are nice and the hotels are classy and service is sweet, it isn't all that. The shopping disappoints a little. I guess i've grown out of the 'pasar malam' phase. My mum on the other hand wished i didn't because as i grow older up to a certain point, the amount of money spent is proportional to the age. That line actually made me sound smart for a second. Anyway, yes, i'm all phased-out of the night market shopping. Though, i'm not through the sun, swim and surf phase just yet. I need a great deal of tanning before i return in the autumn. I'm aiming for a bronze-like finishing and that hot beach body, minus the edward cullen sparkles!

Anywho, i would prefer Bali over Phuket, but that doesn't really matter. It's the company. I shall not elaborate on that hoping that you notice my attempt at keeping it cryptic. But it isn't as bad as i make it sound. The food is good and the sun is glorious. It's actually so hot, you can see the steam just rolling off my forehead. If i was more fat, less muscle, i would actually just sizzle and turn into really tasty bacon. Then again, i wouldn't mind that really cause you could just peel off the fatty layer and feed it to your anorexic girlfriend because it sure looks like she needs a litte more stuffing.

The best perks Phuket can offer/compensate for the lack of shops is eye-candy. Eye-candy in the form of expat blood. Yummy. Only, there might be a little issue when their girls/hoes realise that their man didn't return to their rooms tonight. Whoops. I knew i had problems somewhere. Well, i'll return to the feast or let's just say the best of the worsts. Nights.

x

p/s. She is still a little depressed and has changed her notepad.

Endlessly

2009-07-24T01:27:00.002+08:00

And if you'd only see,
How beautiful you and I would be, endlessly.
Ohh, oh yeah.
I remember when you fell in love,
I could not believe..
That it was not with me
I sent a secret prayer up above,
And put my heart away.
So that you could be free.
And I know that right now you're broken in two,
But did you know my heart's been broken since that day I met you.

Do you know I exist, just to promise you this,
Endlessly to be true to you,
And if you answer my prayer,
I cross my heart and I'd swear
Endlessly to be true to you.

3 months on and i still stand in the line of fire. I walk below the clouds of disappointment, awaiting the regret the wash off me. 3 months on, and i still don't belong to my family of overachievers and life savers. Where do i belong? Going to KL was the best few days thus far. No questions, no detest, no disappointment. You don't know how much regret fills my body every time we talk about my future. You really don't know how it tears at me.

Dear mum, I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be.

Can you keep a secret?

2009-07-22T04:10:00.003+08:00

We create reasons, my reason is you. It is who i am.

Postsecret

2009-07-18T22:46:00.002+08:00

Confession: I'm nothing short of ordinary.

Late night entertainment

2009-07-15T01:48:00.002+08:00

Meet Max

He thinks he's a magician. He's not a very good one.

And they always said the best shows were at night. Well, that's debatable, but he sure is entertainment!

Letters

2009-07-14T00:16:00.003+08:00

Dear mum,
How do you see yourself as a failure? When you have neither failed us, or failed yourself. I'm sorry your two kids never could make the family as proud as raising another generation of medics. But to me, you're brave for letting us venture into unchartered territory. I wish you'd understand what it means for you to accept my choice and end the questioning. I wish you'd whole-heartedly hold my hand and help me to the top. It's hard when i have to keep trying to convince myself and you that it was the right choice to turn down the great offerings that have been presented to me. I'm trying hard to convince myself that i'm on the right path despite the poor subject choice, but I need you to help catch me. You don't know what it's like on me too, to know that i'm your failed child. Perhaps i'm just another failure. I don't even belong to my own family, i just don't belong anywhere. I don't know what to say or how to feel. Do you still love me the same? Would you still love me the same? I'm sorry i disappointed you. I'm sorry i disappointed this family.
x

Emotions

2009-07-12T21:06:00.003+08:00

We talk about courage found within, but we fail to notice the inability to seek for answers. We fall short of courage to continue the search for help.

An entanglement of emotions, so foreign; emotions she thought she once knew and lost from the severity of actions that did the death of her emotions. She kept herself beneath the barricade of false facades, in the dark corners of her thoughts that heard no voice. She wonders about pain she once felt; nostalgic.

Perhaps i need a little help.

Say a Prayer

2009-07-08T01:50:00.003+08:00

So Tit face and I decided to bond over a session of TV since i ditched her on Wimbledon. It really wasn't my fault, i really went to bed. Well, not exactly on my own bed, but i was fast asleep. HEH.

So here we are again, trying to attempt our bonding session over MJ's memorial. We're not even an hour into the service and I already feel like crying. Which is rare, but all it takes is one person to make a difference. And MJ was the one person who could. He changed the world with only his music. He defined the music world and he invented music that managed to move us. He's a genius. It really is as simple as that. And I wish i could have made it to any one of his concerts. Up to this very day, his music moved men in every age groups. I don't know how he does it, but he did it.

Tits, thanks for reminding me about the memorial, it's a sad day. Very sad. =( x

Beauty from Pain

2009-07-06T13:29:00.001+08:00

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

2009-07-04T00:54:00.003+08:00

[cues in music]
And here we are today, reading this while you're taking a break from your porn, or reading this while you take a dump, or while you're eating your breakfast, either way, you're reading my thoughts and you're thinking of friends. But life isn't as perfect as Hollywood sold itself to be. People change, and we grow apart. How do we let something so insignificant affect us so greatly. Change of boyfriend, change of hair. We trust the people closest to us to not hurt us. Perhaps, that explains the distant barricade I've fortified. I believe i'm the paradox to my own advice.

I don't hold onto you because i can, i hang onto you because i want to. I've missed you, and i'll keep missing you. You were that difference in me. Thank you. You were that voice in me. Thank you. You were the reason we believe in the propaganda of friends. I miss you, I do.

An update of home

2009-07-03T01:43:00.003+08:00

~~Home is where the heart is~~
~~Home sweet home~~

Anyway, i can't decide what cliche phrase to use to describe the motion of being home. I couldn't think of one that included the terms hot, imprisonment, heat strokes and boredom. Though, the term 'boredom' is more temperamental, almost alike the sun, neither here nor there, really.

So, what's it like to be back? Well, it takes time to adjust to time difference, the ever disturbing heat waves and the lack of hiding from Concord people. I guess from wishing we didn't have to see them 24/7 to actually not seeing them at all, i guess that's more or less the hardest part of being home. Yet, my brains are screaming at the top of its tonsils that i'm home, but some part of me is still roaming around Oldwalls, squeezing into tiny beds and we were once short of alone time. Funny how the cards have reversed and right now, i have too much time alone. More than i should have really.

Home brings back nostalgic memoirs, ones that you thought only your grandparents could have. Everything about home remains the same. I don't know what to say about the people though, it's their lives to lead and changes is just another chapter of growing up, it's somewhere between puberty and growing bald, we're constantly changing.

Anyway, i've done the meet-greet-smile-wave-and-RUN formalities, the endless how's-yous and where's-yous a rather safe approach used when meeting for that awkward first time in months/years. All that, BORING. This town despite all those nostalgic reunions yadi yadi ya, it's still undeniable that this town screams BORING. Well, i guess all that is about to change, I'm back. Though this town probably isn't ready for me. I don't want to get knocked down by a punk teen with red hair, oh wait, i think i just described my cousin there. Too tame, not a good example. I don't want to get assaulted. It's just a town that people give you HIBBY-JIBBY'S.

So really, what is it like to be home? GOOD. I have a warm bed a dust covered air-conditioner (has anyone wondered why they called it that?) and what else could i possibly need? Oh right, scandals. I believe i'm running a drought for scandals.

And i look the same, i haven't decided to grow a beard so don't expect anything different about me. I didn't decide to change into a man, therefore it would be weird if i didn't look the same. Did you think in that expensive fee they included plastic surgery? I wish it did though. I sound the same, credits to going to an asian-filled school. The fact that i appear to sound all British, is probably the fact that you don't recall, i usually had proper English before i even left, i was after all one hell of a debater, even if that was self-proclaimed. So hey, don't shoot me if you've failed to notice what i always had.

And there is nothing wrong to miss my CC people, i made it through 6 months with them by my side everyday every night, is it not wrong for me to miss them? Some i'd never see again and some who just made life so much more fun and it was them that was there for me when everyone else wasn't. Concord isn't just a school, it's more than that. You wouldn't understand until you've been there.

P/S. Especially to Beverly, Shari, Jerlynn, Shu Yi, and Charmaine, thank you. It's really weird without anyone of you. It's just like we're missing. I sometimes can't wait for school to start knowing that we'll be back together. And to everyone else, thank you. You know who you are and you know that somehow, you've made a difference to me. You are the difference. And summer isn't the same without you.

Sometimes I wish I could tell you how it feels to have that gutted feeling. I didn't think being this far apart would be this hard and the fear of never seeing you again is always ever present, and that scares me because i didn't mean to let it get this far. Remember me, because i will.

Reasons

2009-06-30T14:47:00.000+08:00

I wish i still had a reason to talk to you. I wish i still had a reason to run to you. I wish i still had a reason to believe in you, a reason to keep fighting for you. Not even the slightest glimmer of reasons presents itself. Do we keep venturing the dark in search of hope? All her hope rests in the empty of her palms. She struggles and she can't keep fighting. The echoing voice deafened by the lack of strength. I'm weak. I can't stand tall. I learn that life allows us momentary weakness, but from weakness we build strength to rise again.

This battle isn't worth fighting if i end up losing myself through this turmoil. I have believes planted firm within me and the fear of losing a predominant factor scares me. Being barren for words isn't normal, maybe for once someone would notice the abnormality that comes forward. Perhaps you'd learn to understand the false propaganda trust entails itself to be and my cautionary acts. You'd learn to understand that sometimes it isn't just about mood swings, and perhaps you'll learn that we have our own untold stories, we have hidden scars that do not heal and we're only human and we're learning to cope. This is the best way i know how. And from the lack of courage, i'm only able to seek for help within the muffled cries, the endless tears and the silent smiles.

The endings are unwritten, but we know that we are only capable of fighting for ourselves. I'm still trying. Sometimes i wish you'd notice pain i hide, i'm not that hard to read.

I confess, I have a problem, hopefully talking about it will empower me to end what i started. But i have a reason. To some it isn't valid, but to me, it is. I wish you wouldn't be so quick to label me as just another attention seeker, or just another mood swing, because if you knew me, you'd know the importance of facade, the importance of presentations, and the only reason i shy from a smile isn't for the sake of it. I wish someone would understand. Someone would understand what it's like to feel the way i do.

p/s: Sometimes all it takes is a little time shared.