Save me.

I started cutting myself today after having stopped for 6 months. FML

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSdELZxEnHY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

This clip has gone viral within days of being uploaded. As much as I hate to admit it, it will be mostly true. THe fine print they did forget to post on it is that sometimes, just sometimes, with a stroke of luck, strike of lightning and some magical fairy dust an exception happens. This video does not wholly represent us and we really need not relate to it. Everyone one of us ins different. It is a pessimistic representation of reality becaua I know that the exception does happen. There need not always be a downhill. It is your perception. Please please do not relate your lives to this because you know the next rom-com flick that premiers, you again will think it is the story of your life. So seriously people, get your heads out of your ass.

To be honest, I am exhausted and torn into two. This continual struggle for an individual identity. I am Malaysian first and everything after is insignificant, regardless of race and religion.

How did I end up being stuck here. In this mess. Oh right I fucked up my A-Levels. FML. If only...

Dear Mum,

It has been awhile since I last wrote you a letter. Maybe this time, this letter is written with a lot more regret. I've needed to tell you something, but I'm sorry I couldn't do it in person. I fear to see the disappointment in your eyes. I'm writing to apologize for my results. I know I have disappointed you and I know it's hurting you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't excel when I had to. I'm sorry. 3 days later and I still fear looking into your eyes because I fear seeing the hurt and disappointment you've concealed on your face. But your eyes cannot deny how disappointed you are in me. One year ago I dreamed of entering Uni one step closer to graduating with first class honors, going to MIT on my third year, working as a research engineering with a F1 team. Who knew it would only be a dream. In 24 hours, I've seen my career crash and your heart crash. I'm sorry I now can't live this dream. I'm sorry for disappointing you. I'm sorry. I am feeling a rush of emotions but predominantly it is disappointment. I don't need another lecture because it isn't going to change anything right now. Right now, all I need is your love to help me through.

Love always,
Your daughter.

You still set those butterflies a flying in my stomach. I wish it was the same for you. You set my heart a skipping. I wish it was the same for you.

I wish I could be more so you'd love me more because sometimes I feel insignificant. Sometimes I feel unloved.

It has been awhile since I've last shared the unfortunate tales of the depressed. I guess it's time i started a new chapter, a brighter one. Well as bright as Shrewsbury skies would get. Which I should add, has been pretty bright these past few days. Let me correct that. It's been BURNING these past few days.

Anyway, I'm STILL alive. Blogging is so... 1950's now. I've moved to Twitter. The place where humans tweet and birds do all the work.

CLICK ME

P/S: I love the way you kiss my head every morning when you see me.

"I wonder what you look like, under your t-shirt. I wonder what you sound like, when you’re not wearing words. I wonder what we have, when we’re not pretending."

by Ani Difranco

Dear God,
I pray you give me the patience that you have given my parents. It's the least I could do for their time and love. x

50 people, 1 question. What is my secret?

I have a problem, and perhaps you've noticed. My arms are my canvas and my blood is my paint. My secret; I cut myself.

I found the courage, 5 years late.

I shall attempt to make this blog less barren and more entertaining.


Attempt number 1:
I have a crush on you. I'm scared.

I know that got your attention. But, it is true.

The notes I write, are nothing short of the truth. But what the truth fails to reveal is how much I love her. She is extraordinary in more ways than none. She is exemplary. She is my mother and I'm proud of it.

To set the records straight, I still love her despite the jokes.

Sometimes it isn't easy. I'm not indifferent because I am different. But sometimes, I feel a little left out and it isn't easy. It isn't easy to pretend it doesn't hurt because, I feel it. I'm not like you, you're not like me. But at least I'm trying.

I'm sorry I never learnt.

Fuck the past, live the present, forget the future.

When you can live forever, what do you live for?

The year that was, was nothing more than fictional. The year to come, come what may a new beginning.

A new year, A new beginning.

Note to self:
you do deserve someone better, someone who will keep your heart with him through anything, someone who will respect you, care or you, love you.. if this guy falls short of any of that, then i say, he's not the one.. you are too good to be with someone like that dear.. you really DESERVE better..

Thank you big brother!

I have this tiny crush on you. Perhaps it has been induced. But either way, you've got my heart skipping. I'm so in lust with you. =)

Dear Mum,

I am going to University to do Aeronautical Engineering. It doesn't matter if you support me or not, because I am still going to do it. You can't tell me otherwise, and for certain, you can't get your friends to tell me otherwise. I need to step out of the stereotype. I'm NOT a medic, even though I know so much more than a handful of people. In that sense, I'm thankful, because you've made me an all rounder, but you still have to understand, I WILL be an Engineer. I'd like it if you started supporting me. You don't know how many days I spend crying. The scars that you've left. Every phone call home leaves me crying not because I miss it, but because I can't get your approval. You don't know how much it hurts to be ostracized.

At christmas, you tried to get people to talk me out of Engineering. Aero isn't a joke to me. It's not a joke you tell at dinner parties. It isn't some job that is easy. It isn't something you could pick up just like that. You can still love me despite the fact that I'm not a medic.

x

It isn't quite The New Year yet, but it's never too early to start on the resolutions, no? I didn't quite have a proper '09 resolution list to say that I've accomplished a lot this year, but I'd like to think that I DID accomplish a lot. More than expected really.

So as of the year 2010, My Resolutions go something like this:

I WILL get A* x3 for my A-levels and prove I AM Imperial worthy so the world would SHUT IT.

I WILL walk out of the whole I'm-different-because-I'm-not-a-doctor shadow by making it as an Engineer.

I SHALL consider sticking to amount-of-alcohol-consumed-per-night quota. In light of recent events. [shan't elaborate]

I WILL be flying/building them planes and you can't tell me otherwise.

I WILL try to get my flying license AND diving license done. The former being the more important one.

I WILL be on a crazy-fun-wild-berserk-holiday around Asia with the greatest bunch of people. This includes Jerlynn AND Beverly. Don't ditch me.

I WILL get a few more medals, regardless of the sport.

I WANT to create a name for myself and I'd be fucking famous outside of the sports world. Either for some charity work or something like that. Perhaps mastermind of destruction doesn't sound too bad.

I WANT my mum to see the sort of pain she caused when she, up to this day, still can not accept what I've chosen to do. Will rant on that later.

I NEED new accessories, and I do not mean the shiny BLING-y stuff; boys/toys/flings/one-night-stands [I JOKE]

AND, I know this would help the hearts of many sleep easier at night;

I WILL limit myself when I go shopping online. Limit to be decided

I bet by the end of the year, if I live that long, I would probably get half the list done and say 'Screw it, life's too short to think about resolutions and plan THAT far ahead'.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, LADIES.

I keep telling myself you're not worth it. I deserve to feel beautiful because I am. I deserve so much more than you're willing to give. And most of all I deserve to be spared. Spared from all your mental games.

My new years resolution is to forget because there are others who are willing to give you what you deserve.

It's a blessing and a curse, my heart is too big.

My planes and I will be seeing you on the other side. Not an easy offer, but I'm pretty sure as long as I want it, I'd be FIGHTING for it. From now on, it's just ME and MY PLANES, baby.

3 down, 1 interview to go, 1 more to hear from.

And one blind date to attend to.

I miss you. can't believe i'm saying this, but it's true.

Because I refuse to start on the IELTS practice papers which I should get down to doing I shall write about my year. I'll try to keep it short. Key word: TRY. Well 2009 has been a year of all sorts. Heart breaks, head aches, rolls-on-floor-laughter, and many great memories. It's scary how so much can happen in just a year, and how fast a year goes by. In about 7 months, most of us would be going separate ways chasing different lives, goals and the occasional rich-housewife-hot-gardener dream. But for the year that has gone, it has been a great ride. Nothing short of drama and scandals, but it's been a year of great friendship, great moments, great achievements. It's been a year of growing up and catching up.

I shall write events in the coming days

I fell in LOVE with a bag so gorgeous! Any donations?

Hey mum, I got another interview. But I've stopped sharing with you my success because to you it means nothing. You make my achievements seem insignificant. You trust everyone but your own daughter. You think sending me to tuition would give you more confidence in me, but you don't think enough of me to believe in me. I'm tired of having to struggle against you to get a little credit. I worked myself from D's and C's and surpassed even my predicted grades to get you an A. I scored relatively well and yet it doesn't seem like it is enough to you.

I wish you'd see how upsetting it is to talk to you when every conversation revolves around my grades and after every conversation I just feel like screaming. You do not notice how much effort I put in, yet you are one to comment on how it isn't enough. I'm trying my best.

I'm 18, this part right here is what decides my future. If it's anything, I want this for myself more than anything and I'm pretty sure I'm not about to screw it up. So I appreciate your concern, but you can show your love beyond the grades and maybe just support me. More than anything, that's what I need right now. So please, just let me be.

Your daughter,
Lara

You fail to notice what lays beneath your nose. You search too far, too high, only to find failure. You know you didn't fail with me but now I'm just a thing of the past. You fail for your weakness to run. For once, stay put and put up a fight, like how I am, for you. I think you're worth it when everyone denies you. I know you're better than that.

Show me the world in the shape of your looking glass.
Beautifully bold when the colors unfold.
Yes it's easy to see but its harder to find.
And I'm thinking of you and it's clear in my mind.

So I turn, turn, turn, I turn back around.
I Turn, turn, turn, I turn back around,
And I'm eastern bound.

Almost let slip all these words at my finger tips.
Still unaware of the pen in my hand,
But I'm makin my way day by day comin back to you.
Here unafraid of the path that I choose.

I hate this part. The time difference clocks in. The separation takes effect. The distance breaks us apart. Celebrating Christmas isn't the same without the people who I've spent the year with. From birthdays, Halloween, Valentines, dates, studying and every other significant thing we've done, we've been together and suddenly it feels different without you this Christmas.

I hate this part. The joys of an offer have no effect and is short of significance. All that worries my parents are the grades. Nothing celebratory, unless you consider a call to the tuition teacher a celebration. No one really understands the joy of an offer until you go through the whole UCAS scenario. You don't really understand how competitive it is.

I thought I'd get a break, spend it with the people I love. Who knew they'd love me more because of my grades than for who I am. It breaks my spirits when you don't understand the weight of this offer and what it means to even be given an offer. You know little of where and what I want to do with my future. If only you opened your heart earlier to my hopes, perhaps I wouldn't be writing this now.

It still feels like I have the reins tied onto me. I'm 18, it's time you set me free.

I conclude that I brag, ALOT. But you can't blame me. Only the most famous (note: famous does not mean it is the best) Uni has offered me a place. But I might have my sights on something a little better. We shall celebrate.

The hardest part of going home is saying I don't miss you, when I do.

Perhaps I'm not ready to leave. Perhaps I'm not ready to face reality. Coming home for summer was my one mistake, and my worries lie in a mistake that is to be repeated. The only difference was then, I had so much going for me, now I just want to make it right again. Like how it used to be before spring ended. Perhaps going back would give me a fresh start. A chance to break from the solitary walls. A chance to free myself of the burdens I carry. You tell me, should I want to go back?

P/s: It's breaking me apart to watch you fall for someone who isn't me.

I fell for a doofus and it's hurting me even more. SHOOT ME!

somethin bout the way
somethin bout the way you look
in my eyes
you make everything so damn easy
so easy that i dont got to worry bout a thing

and baby when we touch
all i can see is the image of us
sitting by the ocean
just before the dusk
sippin on a juice box and
sand between our toes

this is the part when we say were in love
and the part where we have our first kiss
but this ain't a movie
i know you cant come with me
you got your life
he better be treatin you right

just tell me you dont love me
tell me you dont feel the same way that i do
tell me i dont make you smile
like i do when you walk in the room
you're so hard to let go

this hurts so much to know that you're
with someone else when you should be w me
its just hard to accept that i cant be around
he better be treatin you good
i'm no einstein but i know a sign
when i see one
and i know you love me too